The gift of fear
For many years now, I’ve repeated a phrase to myself: “Fear is my north star.”
Fear is often misunderstood as a negative emotion – as something to be avoided. Instead, it is a useful guide for action.
Some of the most significant moments in my life came as a result of moving towards fear.
I’m currently at one of those crossroads in my life, so in today’s Snafu article I’ll spell out my approach to fear.
The fear of opening Robin’s Cafe
I will never forget a pivotal moment in April 2016 outside of what became Robin’s Cafe.
I was on the phone with my friend Ronda, discussing all the reasons why opening my little restaurant might be a bad idea.
Ronda asked me a question that has guided me ever since: “Robin, is there any reason not to open up Robin’s Cafe besides your fear?”
I paused for a moment, answered definitively “no,” and from that moment was committed.
What fear has to teach
Fear is one of those topics that we think we understand, but most of us never study. We see someone doing an act of bravery – a firefighter running into a burning building or Alex Honnold freeclimbing El Capitan – and call that courageous.
But what do those things have to do with our day-to-day, and what is fear even for?
Fear is a signal that something important is going on. That’s it. It is a spotlight that focuses attention on a moment, a decision or a significant act.
When we attend to that fear, and examine it instead of running away from it, we give ourselves the opportunity to accomplish something more.
Fear as a compass
There’s another kind of fear worth mentioning: fear of true danger.
If I were to try to free climb El Capitan, I’d be terrified. I’m an experienced mountaineer, but have zero experience free climbing technical routes. About ten feet up, I’d be sweating.
Inexperience or fear of the unknown – even a child’s fear of the “monsters under the bed” – might fall into this category.
But that’s different from informed, and constructive fear – fear that comes from uncertainty and vulnerability, which can serve as a guide.
Whenever I feel fear about something that isn’t imminently life-threatening – starting a business, making a big investment, or entering a new relationship – that’s a sign that I'm on the right track.
The fear of buying a house
I’m at another crux right now. Last week my girlfriend and I signed and put earnest money down on a house just north of San Francisco.
The house is a “fixer,” being sold by a bank because the previous owner died. The house is a “fixer,” being sold by a bank because the previous owner died. We’ll need to do substantial work just to make it habitable.
We’ve run the numbers, paid thousands of dollars to have it inspected, and I’m in a moment of trying to decide if there are enough reasons not to buy the house, or if I’m just afraid.
How to use fear as your north star
Here are some useful tools in assessing fear that I’ve found myself using a lot in the last few weeks.
Name your fear
In real estate, I’ve been listing all of the potential outcomes that I’m afraid of. Seeing them written out on a page makes the fear more tangible.
Assess your fear
In business and now in real estate, I try to plan for the worst case scenarios.
What would happen if the housing market crashed? If we needed a new roof? If we couldn’t cover our mortgage?
It’s easy to be positive and hopeful about things going well. Planning for the absolute worst-case scenarios helps alleviate potential negative outcomes if the worst does happen.
Take small, incremental steps towards your fear
We’ve run countless competitive market analyses for this neighborhood. I’ve had five roofers out to inspect our roof and provide quotes. I’ve crawled through all of the attics to inspect the insulation.
Each of these was a single, small step towards a specific fear.
Courage is action despite fear
I define courage as action in the face of fear.
When I opened Robin’s Cafe, I was afraid, but I had outlined all of the potential downsides I could think of. I don’t know what will happen with our housing purchase. We may not get it, and we may decide to walk away.
But I do know that facing this fear – assessing it directly, breaking down the component pieces, and taking small steps – is a victory in itself.
Fear isn’t something to avoid. It is a compass pointing you towards your growth edges and where you need to go.
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3 things I’ve loved this week
Tool I’m using every day:
ChatGPT Deep Research
Last week I upgraded to ChatGPT Plus.
Under the Plus plan ($20/month), you have up to 10 “Deep Research” queries per month, but with the Pro plan ($200/month) you have 120 queries.
As a result, I’ve been using Deep Research many times a day.
You ask a query – for example, “is the house I’m considering purchasing in danger of earthquakes or liquefaction" or “tell me about Spanish tile roofs” and 5 minutes later ChatGPT comes back with a lengthy essay on the topic, including links.
Deep Research has accelerated my learning tenfold.
TED talk I’m rewatching:
Why you should define your fears instead of your goals by Tim Ferriss
In this TED talk, Tim outlines his approach to fear and offers tactics to define and then overcome your fears.
Here’s his longer blog post on the topic, too.
Book I’m rereading:
The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
From the summary:
"A date won't take "no" for an answer. The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling. A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help. The threat of violence surrounds us every day. But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust—and act on—our gut instincts."
Written by Gavin de Becker, a leader on violent behavior, The Gift of Fear shows why fear matters and how to trust your instincts.
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Robin
