The identities we hold
I was at dinner with my parents and my girlfriend last weekend. For some reason, Robin’s Cafe came up in conversation.
Anyway, I got on my soap box and said: “I opened Robin’s Cafe on 3 weeks notice and...” Before I could finish the sentence, my father said “And you sold it on Craigslist. We know! We’ve all heard that story many times before.”
My girlfriend, who has recently been subjected to me repeating the story on Zoom calls many times a day, doubled over laughing.
I'm proud of having started and sold Robin’s Cafe. But that also happened nine and five years ago, respectively. I’ve lived through several life changing experiences since then. Relationships and breakups, a car crash, the death of a family member, my best friend’s cancer, and a couple new businesses.
But because Robin’s Cafe was a formative experience – and doubtless because I’ve told the story a few too many times – that narrative has become part of my identity.
We don’t talk enough about identity
Identity isn’t fixed. It is malleable. Our "residual self-image,” to quote The Matrix, should change and adapt over time.
When big life experiences happen, those moments shape us. As they should! But it is up to us to decide for how long and to what extent we want to refer to them forever after.
When she laughed
When my girlfriend burst out laughing (and, to be fair, we’ve both been laughing about that moment ever since), I was forced to reconsider the story and the identity I’ve tied to it.
I’ve reiterated it so many times now that it's become ossified. And instead of tackling something new, I’m referencing something that took place nearly a decade ago.
Because my girlfriend loves me, her laughter allowed me to laugh at myself. At the ridiculousness of continuing to reference something that, in my life, might as well be ancient history. Her laughter allowed me to see myself through a new perspective and shake up a longstanding identity – that of the person who did those things.
Hold fewer identities
One of my goals in life is to remain resilient. And one of the best ways to maintain resilience is to hold fewer identities, and hold them loosely.
We all know a former high school athlete who recalls their peak performance on the high school football team instead of going to gym today. Or the political stickler who can’t see a perspective other than their own.
I’m an athlete, a son, a partner, a dog dad, and an entrepreneur. And, apparently, I used to be a coffee shop owner.
Moving beyond Robin’s Cafe
Of course, I’ll reference Robin’s Cafe again. I’ll probably even tell the story of opening and selling it to someone new. But my Dad’s joke, which landed so poignantly because of my girlfriend’s good humor, highlighted that I still hold that specific identity too firmly.
It’s time to let it go, so that I can go and do something new.
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3 things I’ve loved this week
Quote I’m thinking about:
“I’m not saying that you have to be a reader to save your soul in the modern world. I’m saying it helps.” -Walter Mosley
Habit I’ve adopted: No news before 10am or after 6pm.
Like many of us, I’ve been riveted by US politics since the new administration took power in January. I’ve been binging political podcasts early in the morning and listening to political commentary before going to bed at night.
This listening habit has been interfering with my sleep, concentration, and mental health, so I’ve stopped paying attention to politics between 6pm and 10am.
It wasn’t hard to break the habit. I just replaced any political listening time during that window with science fiction audiobooks or random chapters from Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power.
Responsive Conference speaker I’m excited to announce
We’ve been busy with Responsive Conference planning this last month, and locked in a dozen speakers for Responsive Conference 2025.
One that I’m especially excited about today is Ashley Whillans, a professor at Harvard Business School. She’s given a handful of TED and TEDx talks, including 3 rules for better work-life balance, A simple strategy for happiness, and A simple strategy to reclaim your time.
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Until next week,
Robin
